Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear Always...

Happy Friday, everyone! I’m determined to end this week on a good note – since it’s been hellish for the last few days. Lots of big happenings at the company and one particular project group has been driving me ape-sh#! crazy. So, I took it as a good sign that Natalie Merchant’s live version of “Sympathy for the Devil” was playing on satellite radio as I drove into work today. Good tunes, tasty coffee (if you’re ever in Louisville, stop by Red Hot Roasters – good stuff) and a glimpse of the harvest moon in the sky. Ah, I’m ready for the weekend.

So, to end this week on a particularly funny note, I’m including a letter that was sent to me by a co-worker yesterday. Ladies, I know you can relate to this one. Guys, if you have a wife, girlfriend or gal pal in your life, I hope this sheds some light for you on a few things.

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail. (Editorial note from Jen: Snopes claims only a portion of this letter is true, but it's pretty darn funny, so I'm including it today.)

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.


Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


High Heeled Life said...

Laughing Out Loud!!!! This was great... Wishing you a great week-end!! XO HHL

Teresa@Splendid Sass said...

I have tears running down my face I am laughing so hard. Will have to share this!
Have a great weekeend!

Tiffany said...

Kind of in the mood for a Kahlua now.

myletterstoemily said...

boy, did she nail this! some small minded
man surely thought of that silly saying.


James said...

A wife and three daughters, I'm hip. I got to the point that "price check on the tampons!!" did not bother me at all.

kayce hughes said...

Love it!

Tessa said...

I worked for P&G for 12 years, my last 2 in their FemCare division. They have that lovely slogan ALL OVER THE PLACE. Others certainly have shared Ms. Aarons sentiments! :) I'd seen this before along with some other wild transcripts from our customer service line. Always (ha) manages to crack me up! Enjoy your weekend!!

Britta said...

HAHAHA - that is really great!
If they will change the inscription, what about the Beatles' "Happiness is a warm gun" or AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" or the recommendation of a book - e.g. "In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote?
I might apply for a job there - have a lot of brilliant ideas!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Hahahaha. I'd be rolling on the floor laughing, if I wouldn't be cramping like a maniac... x